Mirror Mirror on the WALL....

you are the biggest LIAR of them ALL!

Okay, so I need to back up and explain myself really quick. When I first started this blog I had intentions for it to be a place for women, girls or whomever to come and find peace. To find comfort and understanding when they felt like no one else "got it." I'm sorry to say, I have not been very good at keeping my promise to you guys or myself by posting regularly. I also started this to track my weight loss and to show people how I've done it, why I did it and what I did to lose it.... but things changed.


The FDA released a recall on "tainted weight loss pills" which included the ones I was/am taking. Immediately, I took everything down, removed it from my page that related to the pills out of fear of somehow it being something illegal. Ok, so I know now, I overreacted, but still, I'm sure some of you that are new to reading this blog are a little lost/confused because everything I once had written isn't there and sadly, I can't get it back.... but I can start from here.


So.... backing up to the beginning (and I'm sorry if this is at all a repeat from any posts I've previously written or for anything I've already told some of you reading). Back in October ('08) I was in my best friends wedding. I was, at the time, excited to go and be a part of it and felt pretty decent about myself considering I have two children and didn't feel I looked half bad for someone that eats what she wants and doesn't excersise other than chasing after her boys. I, like most girls, was also happy to go and see people I haven't seen since high school and show off my kiddos and show them the life I've made for myself.


By no means did I LOVE my body at this point. Actually, I was your typical female, always saying "ah, I'm fat!" "I have nothing to wear" "nothing fits!" etc. etc. while my husband rolls his eyes and tells me he loves me just the way I am (only for me to roll my eyes back and tell him he is full of @$%*!) But, truthfully, I still felt okay going and I felt that I looked pretty that day. I felt when I looked in the mirror that it was "that" day for me (you know, where you actually got to shower and put on make-up and your hair actually did what you wanted!!) I was feeling good.... until I saw pictures.... and



O.M.G.



Let me just say my first reaction was THIS CAMERA SUCKS (which I might add ticked me off because I just paid a very pretty penny for that camera for my hubby's bday gift!!!) I swear I found every excuse under the sun to explain why these pictures I was looking at looked so bad. It was the way I was standing. The person who took them did it ALL wrong. It was out of focus....etc. Then I saw pictures from other peoples cameras. When all of the pictures of me looked the same, I suddenly realized it wasn't the camera... it was the MIRROR!


You know how they say people that are sick and have anorexia, that they look in the mirror and even tho anyone else can see this frail body with nothing but skin hanging there, all that person sees is this ugly, disgusting, fat person? Well that was me, but opposite. I mean, well not exactly. I didn't see some hot, tan, skinny super model starring back at me, but I didn't see the "whale" I saw in those pictures either (lol). In a way, looking back, I feel like I had mentally talked myself into accepting myself the way I was... which most people would say is okay to do, because I should love myself for WHO I am and not WHAT I look like right? Well, again, that's a big fat lie. Those two (at least for me, and admit it girls....most females feel the same way) go hand and hand.... you can't do one without the other.... so all this time I guess I found a way to "trick" myself and eventually I saw things that weren't really there....

think movie Shallow Hal.....hmmmm....


So anyway... that was my "ah ha" moment and for the first time I finally had had enough!! I was so over feeling the way I felt. There was so much more going on in my life at that time and I am very good at finding excuses for NOT doing things. Sadly, I'm probably one of the best procrastinators out there when it comes to taking care of myself. I've gotten very good at the "I don't have time" line for anything/everything that has to do with myself. (If this explains anything, I haven't had my hair cut since my birthday last year.... which was MARCH '08 and go to a dr, FOR MYSELF, what??? that is just NOT on top of my priority list!)


At that very moment I realized I had become THAT MOM. You know, the one who gives up everything to take care of her family? The one that takes her kids to school in mismatching pjs with holes in them, towel on her head, or better yet, hair that hasn't been washed in (GASP) 4 days...telling herself it doesn't matter cuz who does she have to impress? I mean, it wasn't THAT extreme (ok, ok....so maybe it was) but I had actually let go of myself and gave up my identity and took over the name MOM. I was no longer my own person, instead I was everyone elses answer to their problem (ex: i can always find the missing piece to the transformer H needs, or know what J wants when he "uh, uh, uh" and reaches at the counter, or can tell S exactly where some book/paper is that we haven't needed/seen/used the past 5 years we've been married). But....


NO MORE!

I'm DONE!!!!