When Thanksgiving came around, I was super excited to go see our family (my in-laws) and "show off" that I've lost weight. Up until days before we left, I hadn't told anyone I was doing anything. I wanted to go and see if anyone noticed. The only people that knew were the other two daughter in laws (my SIL's), but my other two SIL's and the rest of the family didn't have a clue.... so I was anxious to see their response.
Sadly, when we arrived there wasn't one. Ha!! That's probably what I deserved after being so "excited" and in a way "selfish" to see what they had to say about ME. How "stuck up" sounding is that anyway? ha.... Well, after the first day, when D, my SIL came over (this was the first time I had seen her that trip) she immediately noticed.... and I was in my PJ's!!! That made up for the lack of noticing the day before, so of course that gave me a little "boost" in confidence. From then on, everyone noticed the rest of the trip, so of course, I know you ladies can agree, it pumped me up even more and I was even more determined to keep losing weight.... altho at that moment and that place in my life, I was VERY pleased with where I was and very content with my weight, body, size, etc. I would have been happy if I didn't lose any more from there on.... but now, I'm so grateful I did!!
After thanksgiving, I was sure I had gained a few pounds back from all the good food and sitting around for a few days rather than chasing kiddos 24/7.... but to my surprise, I had lost 2 more pounds and that put me in motion. I was determined to reach my goal of 110 by christmas because we were going to my family's and I again wanted to show off my much smaller self...lol. See, the reason I keep saying "show off" is because living here in san antonio, I don't get out much. We don't have many friends and very little time to do anything other than every day things, so the extent of my "public appearances" include going to the grocery store, H's school and Karate class... otherwise I'm at home, just me and the kiddos and hubs. So going somewhere that I actually have a reason to get dressed and put on make up is sadly, but truthfully a highlight of my life. =)
Well Christmas time came and I did reach my goal, and I did get to show off and get all the uplifting comments everyone seeks when they've changed or done something worth praising... so I was once again, happy to get the "congratulations" from others and not just myself. I guess at this point I still hadn't quite learned to trust myself and my own opinions of myself again after me feeling like my eyes/mind lied to me months ago. That was about to change.
Shortly after Christmas I started to realize that me losing weight wasn't so much about me liking the body I saw in the mirror, yet more about liking the PERSON that was looking back at me. It was a rough few days when I figured out that all this time I was a beautiful person. All this time I thought I had a good confidene level. I thought I believed in myself and that I was truly pleased with who I was.... but the truth was revealed and it was a hard thing to see.
Immediately I lost it. I cried for days (behind closed doors of course, because that's just how I am!) and when I was out of answers, that's when I knew. That's when I realized it's not my answers that matter anyway. It's never been me. It's always been God.
He has always had the answers. The ones that are right. The ones that work. The ones that I needed. Mine always fell short or failed me. I could try and try to do something, whatever it may be, and for a while things would seem to be going my way, but in the end, it never worked. It didn't matter if I was trying to lose weight or write a book. I never could finish.
But not now. Nothing can stop me because He is on my side and my ears and heart are open. I'm listening and I'm following directions and finding my way. I'm on a mission and I WILL complete it. I am no where near the end of my journey that started out to lose weight and is turning into gaining things I never knew I was missing. I feel like a child again, learning things I already know, but in a new way. My eyes are clearer now and my life is FULL of possibilities. I see now that I can be ME and be a great mom and wife at the same time. I don't have to sacrifice one for the other and actually, each one is better because of the other, so now that my time is here, I'm going full force to make it count.
Are you with me? Are you ready to make a change in your life? I hope if you are or even if you are just needing some comfort or understanding, you will follow me and walk along side me while I experience new things and new ways everyday. I pray that God will bless any of you with all the answers you need to do whatever it is you have been longing to do. Keep searching and new stop praying. He is listening and He will answer. The rest is up to you.
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